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Why I don’t have any friends and why I really need to get some

*This was actually weeks ago, but because my computer got a virus or crashed or something I was delayed in starting my blog.  So yes, one post in and reader I am way behind on updating you on my life.  My life is made of win.  Usually.  But I digress…this day was a big turning point for me, and I think it will entertain some people so I am starting with the story of how I managed to get lost running around a duck pond.  Enjoy.

I had a phone conversation with my mom the other day
about how I was feeling sad that I didn’t have any friends in Texas yet, and
she made the observation that I wasn’t making friends because I go to the gym at 4:30am, work, and then go home.  She suggested that I try working out at a later time when there would be more people at the gym.  I tried it once and was annoyed the entire time because the gym was crowded with women wearing push up bras, dangling earrings, and carrying their purses around from machine to machine.  Pics to come people, I’m not making this up.  Anyway so I went back to my early morning routine plus started adding miles to my runs to train for my half marathon.  This resulted in plantar facitism, which was painful and frustrating.  Nothing sucks more then to have your body saying “move”, only to have your foot say, “nope, not on me”.  Here is the everything happens for a reason part of getting plantar facitis: I had been running in an old pair of Nike Frees.  I say old, but they were only like 3 months old, still I put a lot of miles on them and with my history of foot problems I never should have started running in them in the first place. But I digress, so anyway I figured a huge part of my foot problem was that I needed a high stabilty shoe to provide me with more support.  I really wanted to make sure that I got the perfect shoes so I did my research, for once, and found a local shoe store that had an indoor treadmill and experts to help you choose the best shoe for your goals/injuries/lifestyle. My life was changed the day I bought my new pair of running shoes.  I was finishing up my purchase after almost 2 hours of trying on shoes when I saw a mob
of people in front of the store and a sign advertising a Beer Run.  I asked the guy selling me my shoes about it
and he explained that it was a free weekly run of 3.5-6 miles that ended at a
local pub.  Running + beer + other people who also enjoy running and drinking = lots of potential friends!

The next week I showed up for the run early
and ended up looking so pathetic that the man who had sold me my shoes the week
before sent out one of his younger associates to come outside to talk to me.
MLIA (My Life Is Awkward) Then the run started and I thought I was going to die.  Running outside at 7pm in Texas is like
running through hell, if hell was humid, if hell has dry heat though then I
guess that is not a good comparison because everyone knows dry heat is much
more tolerable. Right? Then I got cramps so bad that
I had to walk the last part of the run.
I was very envious of the hydration fanny packs I saw some of the other
runners wearing.  Sexy and functional ;*

Ok so I ran by myself, not a big deal, for
sure at the pub I will make friends.  I
get to the pub, jogging the last stretch pretending like I hadn’t wimped out
and had to walk part of the trail, soaking with sweat  glistening with a beet red face, and
it is packed! As in every seat is
taken so I have to stand, awkwardly, by myself. This realization takes me into
panic mode and so I walk away from the group exclusive mob to call my
parents and cry to them.  My dad answers
and tells me to go have a beer and stick it out.  I do and amazingly I talk with a few people
casually. I did not leave with any new friends. I did upgrade a little in that
I would at least feel less awkward the next time having made some
acquaintances.  So yesterday I went back
for the second time. I did not get there as early, but there was hardly anyone
there.  Someone said that people were just
going and not running as a group.
Damnit. Fine I’ll run by myself again.  It’s 102 degrees this week btw.  So because I’m trying to not feel sorry for myself  entertain myself, I begin to let my mind wander off on
tangents to make my run go faster.  I
have some of the best songs on my ipod and it happened to be playing some of my
personal favorites so in my head I was dancing and thinking to myself, I don’t need friends to run with.  I have Beyonce and JT and Eminem.  They are the only friends I need on a run.  For your entertainment and because I don’t
know how else to make you understand the absolute mess that I was on this run,
here is a script of my thoughts while running.

it’s hot.


I really want one of those fanny packs with all of the mini water bottles.

That toddler feeding the ducks is so cute. 

Omgah did I just feel a maternal tug in my uterus?

Nope, just a cramp from being dehydrated. Whew!

Wow that mom jogging with her baby the stroller is hard core.

There are a million women with babies out here, is there something in the water?

Note to self, don’t drink Katy water.

Now I’m thirsty thinking about water.

I wonder which part of the lake I exit to get back to the pub…

I wonder how many laps I’ve done around the lake because I’m not sure where I’m supposed to go left.

I think this is right.

This kind of looks familiar.

Ok, none of this looks familiar. Fuck.

I’m just going to turn here and eventually I’ll hit the lake and get my bearings be able to follow someone else back to the pub.

I’m so lost. Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry.

I wonder if my tears and sweat are blending together or if I look like a crazy girl running and crying?

Shut up Katy Perry, I am not a firework. I’m a freaking mess.  Who gets lost on a run that is an out and
back? I mean really??

Out loud to random man in front of a Walgreens:
Excuse me!! Sir!!! Where is La Centerra????

Random Man: Far. gee thanks mister…
Go to the light, take a right and then go alllll the way down that road
till you hit the lake then take a left.

I don’t want to run anymore!!! But if I walk then it will take me forever to get there and then there will be no more free beers and I really need a beer after this.

Pity party time: I would join a social running club and then run alone and get lost. If I had friends this never would have happened, and now I’ll never have any friends because all of my potential friends ran together on the correct path.

I wonder if running and crying increases my VO2 max?  It’s definitely harder to breathe.

OMGah I am having audible wheezing from crying while running, what is someone hears me? I’m such a freak.

I recognize those women with the hydration fanny packs!!! I am finally back on the path and I’m not completely last!

I ran almost 7 miles, when my original intention was only 3.5 miles.  Amazingly I did not die
and there was still free beer.  Even better the people I had met the week before had saved me a spot in their
circle.  Then I was bought several rounds of beer, and welcomed into the group.  I ended up having a total blast!  Sadly, because of my new hours at work I will not be able to attend anymore of the beer runs, but I have plans to do some boot camp classes and a 5k with these new, dare I say, friends.

PS as I am leaving the pub around midnight a man in a BMW pulls up to me in the parking lot as I’m walking alone to my car to tell
me that I’m absolutely gorgeous.  I’m still in my sweaty running clothes and any makeup I had on is gone or streaked
all over my face.  I told him that he shouldn’t drink and drive.  Then he asks me on a date. I declined telling him that I have a boyfriend, but there wereother lovely girls in the bar.  He then stated that there was no way they could possibly have my legs or face. I told
him he shouldn’t drive if he is legally blind.
Then because my parents raised me to have good manners, I told him I was flattered by his compliments, that it was nice meeting him, and to have a nice evening before fleeing to my car.

All of the above really happened.  There are more posts that I will have to write to catch you up on some of my other misadventures I have already had in TX, like the time I tried to make friends with a lifeguard, the day I wore my shoes
on the wrong feet, or how I got pulled over driving a car with no insurance.  For now though you are
probably tired of reading, and I need sleep so I’ll be well rested for my 10 miles run I have planned tomorrow. Thanks for sticking with my jumbling rantings!  Come by again for more updates from The Lonely Star State!


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